Friday, August 19, 2005

Let's take a moment to talk about Health...

Ok people. How many of you like to walk into a bathroom that smells like the sewers of the world opened a space/time vortex and dumped an amount approximately equivalent to 2004 gazilla-tons of shit in the toilets?

So why don't people flush? Multiple time until the smell is gone!? Why don't they flush the second the foul-odor causing shit touches the water? Each and every time? I know it's hard to "smell your own brand" ... but when your "own brand" smells like a biolological experiment from the Pentagon that grew AI and consiousness and evolved into the smelliest smell in the kingdom of smells, you can fucking smell it.

Are these people proud of it? Of what should be a shame-inducing violation of their fellow man?

Seriously. Think about it from a health perspective. If your shit smells that bad (bad enough to make your ass burn, to make eyes water, or to corrode through the membranes of my nose while I'm breathing out) then you need to change your diet. If it continues to smell that bad, you need to see a doctor, cuz you're fucking dying. Some sort of alien, from a foul, nether-dimension has crawled into your body THROUGH YOUR ASSHOLE and is eating you slowly. The stink emanating from your every pore (but most specifically, the aforementioned asshole) is your warning to GET SOME FUCKING HELP.

In any case - I (and every other normal, non-stink-infest person) shouldn't be forced to smell it.

Flush the fucking toilet every time your ass opens. I don't care if there's a water shortage and you're flushing every five milliseconds... stop raping my nose holes!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

More Customer Service Hell

I haven't posted much on here about my customer service experiences - don't let that lead you to believe there haven't been some doozies - cuz there have.

And here's one to prove it:

Some people make me want to kill everyone within a 3 mile radius.

This l"user" calls and tells me that his laptop is telling him that he has a wireless network connection but he can't get anywhere - he obviously isn't running VPN.

So I tell him that he has to have VPN running (I have to interrupt him, b/c he's busy telling me how our wireless network is screwed up), and ask him if he has VPN installed.

He tells me "Yes, I'm all set up for wireless, I already told you that my computer shows a connection." So I explain to him, that yes, his computer will show a connection, but without VPN software installed and running, he won't be able to get anywhere.

So he says "Well, I came by the Help Desk place and they set it up for me but I still can't connect..." and continues to ramble on about how our network must be screwed up - so I interrupt him again and ask him if he's running it...

He says "It's on my computer." I inform him that it must also be ACTIVELY RUNNING to be able to connect to anything useful. At this point I also put the phone on "mute" and say "STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE" really loud. I'm not proud of that - wait... yes, I am.

He pauses, says "Oh," and asks me how to "make it run." I ask him if, when he brought his computer to the Help Desk, the student worker there downloaded and installed something, or just set up something called PPTP already in Windows... he tells me PPTP (not outright, he just replies that nothing was downloaded, leading me to infer PPTP).

So I tell him to look and see if there is an icon marked "TAMU" on his desktop... he says "No." So I say, "Ok, go ahead and open up Control Panel, and then Network Connections."

He says "Ok, I'm there." I then say, "On the upper left, is there a link that says 'Switch the category view' or is there one that says 'Switch to classic view'?" (Cuz I'm not taking any chances that this guy will still be in category view and further enrage me). He replies "Neither." I say "Look again, in the upper left corner..." He says "I'm already in the 'Network Places' - and I don't see either." I should have noticed that he said "Places" and not "Connections" but I just figure this guy was actually paying attention when I said "CONTROL PANEL" (not 'desktop fucking icon') and I ask him "What is there?"

He starts listing things, and one of them is "Create a new network connection" - very similar to what should be "Create a new connection" (in Network Connections). So I tell him that that is what we want anyway, and tell him to click it. After a bunch of confusion, I finally determine that this is anything but the "New Connection Wizard." I also determine that this person is not in "Network Connections." I consider screaming, and decide that I'd better mute the phone for a while.

After 10 seconds (or so) of fuming, I pick up the phone, and start talking really slowly... I tell the moron that I am not talking about the "My Network Places" icon on the desktop, but rather the "Network Connections" icon under the "Control Panel". He says, "Oh, that was the problem" about 15 times. Then, the dick is able to follow the directions I had given him previously (without me repeating them) to get exactly where he needed to be... which makes me now believe that this guy just thought he knew of a "shortcut" to get to what I was talking about and ignored what I had said on purpose.

After we get to "Network Connections," I verify that this guy doesn't have a PPTP connection set up at all, and so was lying about having ever come to Help Desk as well. Par for the course at this point. So we set up PPTP. And after connection I reiterate "You will have to run this connection any time you want to use the wireless on campus." and I hang up while he's blabbering on about something else.

See, I still hate the people that call me :)

Monday, August 15, 2005

full moon?!

Is it a Goddamned full moon or something!? Holy fuck, stupid people stop fucking calling me.

Stop calling and telling me that something I have no control over is broken (when it isn't) and calling me stupid for not being able to wave a magic wand to get your head to extract itself from your ass.

I can't make you smart! I can't even make you not stupid!!

Stop calling me and expecting that sort of miracle! If the people you had as teachers couldn't do it, it's too fucking late. There's no hope. Go home and drink yourself into a dumb enough state that the gov't takes care of you. I'm not going to.

Fuck this... fuck getting verbally assualted by morons that can't fucking read instructions.

There has to be a full moon - that's the only nonrational explanation with mythical proportions big enough to umbrella this flood of idiots.

I wouldn't think it's such a widespread state of affairs if it was just me getting the calls - but it's everyone here. For the love of all that is technical... stupid people, just put down the shiny, blinking, button-laden object and step away. We can't deal with your calls anymore when you can't figure out how to TURN IT FUCKING ON.

Thank You.

Beer Companies == teh n00bi3s

Frothier Than Ever, The Tall Cold One Bows to the Stylish One (NY Times article)

Get into the NY Times without registering

It's hilarious to me that the beer companies continue to shape their advertising towards the lowest denominator of people, desperately trying to get them to buy beer - when those people will buy beer no matter what b/c it is cheap and gets them drunk... and then they lament the fact that "sophisticated people" (which apparently is someone who doesn't like drinking reconstituted horse piss) continue to move towards other drinks... and they can't seem to figure out why?

Who's the idiot? The consumers not buying horse piss? or the beer companies?

You know, if they really want people to buy beer again (instead of just cutting their losses and focusing on the people who will buy beer, while investing in vodka), they should make a huge push to sell it at Rock and Rap concernts... that's what affects what is "cool" (which is really just a mesaure of the stupid shit people will do to fit in) instead of insulting the intelligence of the people they're trying to sell to.

You get 50 cent drinking Bud Select (which tastes like perfumed horse piss) and singing about it in his next hit, and sells will skyrocket, I guarantee you.